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Unpacking the Behavior That Drives Us All Crazy
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One of the common themes through the comments of the past two days has been the notion of the cocktease. By most accounts, the cocktease is the bane of most men’s existence. But she’s everywhere. She’s in videos standing behind all of the best-selling author video vixens waving at you and winking. She’s at the supermarket making comments about her melons then holding a kumquat asking how to spell it because she always thought it started with a “c” like, you know, the c-word. In effect, the cocktease is a mirage of sexual manifestation…with you.
She’s not all bad actually. But she is a man-eater…well, that’s when she actually does sleep with somebody. Which is generally not you. Cockteases are almost always boning somebody but save their best material for the guys that have no real chance. In effect, cockteases are a**holes like Kanye West and Dame Dash.
By the way, is anybody else worried that Twitter might implode now that Kanye West has officially joined? I’m not sure the world is ready.
Anywho, while the cocktease is the most famous of the tease phylum, the truth is there are myriad others that are worthy of note. And you know what, men are JUST as guilty of being a tease as women are, dontchaknow? Here are some other teases to be aware or:
1. Relationship tease
I’m just going to say this one outright: 98 percent of all men are relationship teases. Sorry, I just had a Lyfe Jennings moment. The relationship tease is the one that drives women the most crazy. You know the type, vaguely keeps a woman around and treats her like a girlfriend but refuses to be locked down into a title…ever. He also constantly mentions that you all are just having fun and why rock the boat and ruin a perfectly good thing. I wish I could tell you what this guy looked like, but I can’t, because he looks like the guy most of you women who aren’t in a “titled” relationship are dating. Right now. Tell him I said what’s up when you go over to his house at 2am this morning.
2. Date tease
You ever met somebody who would CONSTANTLY tell you that they wanted to hook up, but when you made some effort, they disappeared off the map altogether. You know the convo:
Him: You’re fun. We should kick it sometime.
Her: Really? I’m cool with that.
(Exchange info)
Her: Hey, did you want to link up for coffee?
Him: *crickets*
2 days later
Her: Hey, just checking to see if you’re alive.
Him: Yeah, I’m good. Just got locked in a cryonic chamber while working on this album of mine. Yo, we should get up some time!
By the way this entire exchange happened via text. Date teases NEVER answer the phone.
3. Fun tease
This one is not opposite sex specific. This can be that friend of yours who is always up for going out but is then always ready to go home 5 minutes after you get to the party. I hate these people. Mostly because they never drive but are always harping on you leaving no matter how much fun you’re having. The fun tease never rocks a smile. Actually, you know what? Fun teases are never 100 percent on board with going out, they need convincing and always relent and pretend they did you a favor by hanging with them for the speck of time. This tease is also known as Cockblocker Extraordinare.
4. Quality time tease
So I met this girl when I was 10 years old, and what I love most is that she had so much soul. What does that have to do with the price of black CDs in Kazakhstan? Nothing. But I just wanted to spend a little quality time with you.
Rofflle.
Quality time teases are those men and women who KNOW that what you really want from them is a little time to get to know them better who ALWAYS end up finding something else they have to go do or leave to do. Always. Like Atlantic Starr. We also call these people: guys with kids.
Rimshot.
Anyway, those are some teases that are popular in pop culture and society as a whole. Be clear, the cocktease trumps all else on the scale of helldom, but others exist and vie for the proper credit and attention.
So I ask thee, falks, what are other teases worthy of note and which tease is the worstest?
Inquiring minds would like to know.